Education in Singapore: To be or not to be (a cog)
Abigail
I used to be one of those who scorned mothers who pulled their children out of mainstream schools either because they "wanted an alternative education for their children" or "Singapore's education system is just too stressful".  I thought that these mothers were weak and allowed their children to cop out.

I repent now.

After becoming a mother myself, I am starting to seriously think what I want to subject Kyra to.   I am a pretty successful product of the education system.  As a teacher, I also know how to work the system.

But I'm not sure anymore.  Being a tutor to primary school students has opened my eyes to an entire world of absurdity.  I've learned that being in a branded school is not enough.  To go the full mile, one needs to get our children into a branded enrichment centre (one that has a waiting list).  Every other child in the "branded" primary school is taking enrichment lessons so, to be ahead of the pack, one must take even more enrichment lessons than the others.  Truly, education is for those who have the means to give their children the exposure.  This leads to the question of... But what happens to those who don't?

I am fearful - Fearful that I will eventually go with the tide, fearful that I will give into fear, fearful that I will act out of fear, fearful that I will not make the right decision, whatever that is.  I don't quite see the point of pushing my child to the best school, to fight tooth and nail to get into the best secondary school / junior college, only to come out and be a cog in this whole smooth Singapore economy machine.  Then again, it's the safe route.  I am a parent.  I ought to provide the best in my means for my child right?

You see the fear and confusion?  So much of the education and child-related industries play on the fear of parents of not providing their best, even if "best" means shelling out every last cent of disposable income, disregarding the opportunity cost.  

Back to whether to push Kyra to be a cog.  Her mother is a cog and I know what I'm talking about.  It isn't half bad if God has called Kyra to be a cog and she's leading a fulfilling cog's life.  (Is it an oxymoron to have a fulfilling cog's life?)  It's another to play God and push her towards the destiny of a cog, just becomes this seems to be the "best route" for surviving in Singapore.

The answer suddenly becomes clear in theory.  If God did not let Kyra be a cog, then I shouldn't push her to be one.  How then, do I know?  I'd better pray and make sure I listen to God correctly.  When I hear God, then the answer will become crystal clear.  God will also show me how to help her get there.

I pray God will speak to all mothers and fathers (and in His mercy, help us to listen and obey) to help us help our children fulfill their destiny.
Labels: , 0 comments |
How to Praise Your Child and Still be a Tiger Mum
Abigail
Proverbs 18:21
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.  

How true this is when it comes to praising children.  Increasingly, as a parent, I'm reminded to always speak words of life and encouragement, not words to tear down, put down, shame and disgrace - which is a very Asian thing.  But to swing to the other extreme - to lavish praise on all behaviour is ridiculous as well.  The praise becomes superfluous flattery and the kids sense the insincerity behind the empty words.  They may even be construed as sarcasm.  I certainly don't want to praise mediocrity.  Being praised for everything might lead to developing a child that is mentally weak.  He/She might break down in the real world where not everyone has the duty and obligation to praise your child and protect his self-esteem.  

I chanced upon this article by psychologist, Carol Dweck, who has done extensive research on praise.  See here for full article.  She does a bunch of really interesting psychological experiments and came up with some results (for the psycho-phile in you, do read the full article).

FAST FACTS Growing Pains  
1. People are not born intelligent or stupid.  Many people assume that superior intelligence
    or ability is a key to success.  But more than three decades of research shows that an
    overemphasis on intellect or talent — and the implication that such traits are innate and fixed
    — leaves people vulnerable to failure, fearful of challenges and unmotivated to learn.  
    James 1:5 - If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all
    without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

2. Teaching people to have a "growth mind-set," which encourages a focus on effort 
    rather than on intelligence or talent, produces high achievers in school and in life. 

3. Parents and teachers can engender a growth mind-set in children by praising them 
   for their effort or persistence (rather than for their intelligence), by telling success 
   stories that emphasize hard work and love of learning, and by teaching them about 
   the brain as a learning machine.         

And then, I read the book written by Amy Chua, "Roar of the Tiger Mom" and I found myself agreeing with some of the ideas as well.  


                                                                                           Image from Penguin Press


1.  We must have realistic but high expectations of our children.  Psychological research has  
     consistently proven that when parents and teachers have high expectations of their child, the
     child tends to do better and be higher achieving.  This is the self-fulfilling prophecy, which
     can swing positively or negatively, depending on the level of expectation.  


2.   Diligence is necessary for success.  As parents, we must push the child to put in the hard
      work so that he/she can be good at something.  When the child is good at it, they will be
      naturally take to it as it builds their self-confidence.  Then they will be more willing to put in
      more hard work to excel even more in the area.  This leads to a virtuous circle.    
      Proverbs 10:4 - Lazy hands make for poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth.
      
What I don't agree is Amy Chua's usage of shame and insults.  Although the Hubs and I have often half-in-jest, three-quarters in sarcasm used the term "Garbage", I must make a mental note to myself never to seriously (or perceived seriously) to use this term on others.  I think one can communicate high expectations without the use of such negative language.  


So, can I praise my child and Still be a Tiger Mum? 


Perhaps the formula is High expectations + right praise = a kid who is happy, secure in his/her own strengths, willing to surmount challenges.  


Coming up with the formula was the easy part.  Now to practise it everyday...  
Labels: , 0 comments |
Disciplining is a Lonely Job
Abigail
I realized with a shock today that Kyra is very, very spoilt.  I think the large part of the reason is nature - she has always been impatient and bad tempered.  When she was a baby, when she was hungry, she wanted her milk immediately and there was no waiting for her.  If not fed immediately on demand, she wailed and kicked so wildy that her Grandma was terrified of her.  If she was supposed to wake at 4 am, Grandma woke at 3 am, prepared her bottle, set the warmer to low so that by 4, the bottle will be not too cold and not too hot - at precisely the temperature that Kyra liked.  I gave a shrug as I heard this elaborate SOP.  


Now, at 6 months, Kyra has indeed come to know the temperaments of the people around her well.  She knows very well who she can bully and manipulate to have her way.  As the Grandparents will never let her cry for more than a minute, she can sometimes make them carry or rock her in the stroller her whole nap.  Fortunately for them, Kyra has never been a good napper, only sleeping for 45 min to an hour max.  


So today, I'm taking care of her full time and during her naptime, I rocked her and sang to her so she can go to sleep.  I don't carry her the whole time, just the start.  I don't wait till she's in deep sleep before I gently put her down.  I count 300 to myself  and then I put her down. (Don't ask me why 300 or why counting.  Just knowing there's an end to this monotonous task makes it easier for me).  As usual, she refused and kicked up a fuss when she got put down.  She gave this maddening shriek repeatedly that I think will destroy her vocal chords.  If she can't sing in future, it's not my fault - it's all hers.  Now this is a usual behaviour of her and I realized with a jolt that I am getting used to the temper tantrum and I'm thinking this is perfectly normal.  NO!  This is NOT NORMAL and NOT ACCEPTABLE.  So I tried during this behaviourist thing that if she shrieks and arches her back, she'll go back down into the cot.  When she stops, I'll carry her.  But she didn't cooperate and kept shrieking and arching her back, which made it difficult and dangerous to carry her.  So I just left her crying in the cot and walked out. 


That was the best decision I've made and I will remember to stick by this in future.  In less than 20 minutes, she was fast asleep after using up her energy shrieking.  When the second naptime came, around 4 pm, I carried her and rocked her, said I love her, and down she went.  She didn't shriek but just whined a bit.  In less than 15 minutes, she went to sleep, and hence, I am writing this post now.  


I was complaining to the Hubs that I really feel very alone in this journey of training and disciplining.  It seems like I'm the only one who is the recipient of her bad behaviour.  Who doesn't want to be Baby's favourite adult?  Who wants to intentionally, purposefully be the cause of her crying?  But I knew this is a battle that I had to win - the first of many.  If she's shrieking to be carried today, she'll shriek for toys in a year's time and that same shriek will annoy the life out of me for the rest of my days.  I'm not blaming the Grandparents, or the Auntie and Uncle for doting on her.  I really appreciate them showering her so much love.  But I've come to accept the fact that disciplining and training is a job only for the parents.  After all, God gave 2 sets of grandparents, numerous uncles and aunties, but only 1 father and 1 mother.  The sole responsibility of training was given to the parents.  


Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.


Though Paul only said "Fathers", but I think Mothers too right?  So the next question begs, "What is the training and instruction of the Lord?"  That warrants another post for another day.  I'll think about it again.  Anyway, the Hubs said he's in this disciplining thing with me so I'm not alone.  That's good.  At least, he didn't say he'll play the good cop and I'm the bad.  In the case of Kyra, she has too many good cops around already.


One of the first few times Kyra fell asleep on her own.  Looks like she got hit by a brick.




She cried for a long time before finally giving into exhaustion.  When we found her, we realized why.  Her lower body was locked between bars.  Not being able to move, she was able to settle herself into sleep. 
Labels: , , 0 comments |