Proverbs 18:21
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
How true this is when it comes to praising children. Increasingly, as a parent, I'm reminded to always speak words of life and encouragement, not words to tear down, put down, shame and disgrace - which is a very Asian thing. But to swing to the other extreme - to lavish praise on all behaviour is ridiculous as well. The praise becomes superfluous flattery and the kids sense the insincerity behind the empty words. They may even be construed as sarcasm. I certainly don't want to praise mediocrity. Being praised for everything might lead to developing a child that is mentally weak. He/She might break down in the real world where not everyone has the duty and obligation to praise your child and protect his self-esteem.
I chanced upon this article by psychologist, Carol Dweck, who has done extensive research on praise. See here for full article. She does a bunch of really interesting psychological experiments and came up with some results (for the psycho-phile in you, do read the full article).
FAST FACTS Growing Pains
1. People are not born intelligent or stupid. Many people assume that superior intelligence
or ability is a key to success. But more than three decades of research shows that an
overemphasis on intellect or talent — and the implication that such traits are innate and fixed
— leaves people vulnerable to failure, fearful of challenges and unmotivated to learn.
James 1:5 - If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all
without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
or ability is a key to success. But more than three decades of research shows that an
overemphasis on intellect or talent — and the implication that such traits are innate and fixed
— leaves people vulnerable to failure, fearful of challenges and unmotivated to learn.
James 1:5 - If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all
without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
2. Teaching people to have a "growth mind-set," which encourages a focus on effort
rather than on intelligence or talent, produces high achievers in school and in life.
3. Parents and teachers can engender a growth mind-set in children by praising them
for their effort or persistence (rather than for their intelligence), by telling success
stories that emphasize hard work and love of learning, and by teaching them about
the brain as a learning machine.
And then, I read the book written by Amy Chua, "Roar of the Tiger Mom" and I found myself agreeing with some of the ideas as well.
Image from Penguin Press
1. We must have realistic but high expectations of our children. Psychological research has
consistently proven that when parents and teachers have high expectations of their child, the
child tends to do better and be higher achieving. This is the self-fulfilling prophecy, which
can swing positively or negatively, depending on the level of expectation.
2. Diligence is necessary for success. As parents, we must push the child to put in the hard
work so that he/she can be good at something. When the child is good at it, they will be
naturally take to it as it builds their self-confidence. Then they will be more willing to put in
more hard work to excel even more in the area. This leads to a virtuous circle.
Proverbs 10:4 - Lazy hands make for poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth.
What I don't agree is Amy Chua's usage of shame and insults. Although the Hubs and I have often half-in-jest, three-quarters in sarcasm used the term "Garbage", I must make a mental note to myself never to seriously (or perceived seriously) to use this term on others. I think one can communicate high expectations without the use of such negative language.
So, can I praise my child and Still be a Tiger Mum?
Perhaps the formula is High expectations + right praise = a kid who is happy, secure in his/her own strengths, willing to surmount challenges.
Coming up with the formula was the easy part. Now to practise it everyday...
1. We must have realistic but high expectations of our children. Psychological research has
consistently proven that when parents and teachers have high expectations of their child, the
child tends to do better and be higher achieving. This is the self-fulfilling prophecy, which
can swing positively or negatively, depending on the level of expectation.
2. Diligence is necessary for success. As parents, we must push the child to put in the hard
work so that he/she can be good at something. When the child is good at it, they will be
naturally take to it as it builds their self-confidence. Then they will be more willing to put in
more hard work to excel even more in the area. This leads to a virtuous circle.
Proverbs 10:4 - Lazy hands make for poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth.
What I don't agree is Amy Chua's usage of shame and insults. Although the Hubs and I have often half-in-jest, three-quarters in sarcasm used the term "Garbage", I must make a mental note to myself never to seriously (or perceived seriously) to use this term on others. I think one can communicate high expectations without the use of such negative language.
So, can I praise my child and Still be a Tiger Mum?
Perhaps the formula is High expectations + right praise = a kid who is happy, secure in his/her own strengths, willing to surmount challenges.
Coming up with the formula was the easy part. Now to practise it everyday...
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